Why don't you just meet me in the middle -- of my depression & anxiety because it's a real witch.
My husband went to bed early last night.
I sat in the living room — I watched the season finale of Sharp Objects (holy smokes btw) then the message from Pastor Chris on Depression today from church, that I’ve missed every Sunday for that last 21 weeks since my son was born. Weekends are hard. Weekends feel more like weekdays to me.
Prior to my husband going to bed, we had a disagreement. "I don't feel like you understand me." I just needed him to ask me what was wrong, though I really had NO idea what was even wrong with me. I know you ladies feel me.
I’ve battled depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I can remember the first time I ever had a panic attack. I was packing up my things, leaving my moms house without notice, with my father who’d been “the enemy” for as long as I could remember. I was 13. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ll get to this one day. Side note to this: It is never okay to put ideas in your child's head about how "bad" the other parent is. If they're actually bad, your child will realize it one day on their own. Just gonna leave that there.
I typed this on my phone last night at 9:05pm. Proof that you never know what people are going through. Earlier last night I posted a video of myself singing along to This Is Me watching The Greatest Showman for the 3rd time in one day because it's the best movie I have ever seen. You’d never know I was sad. Heck, I didn't even know I was sad!
Ladies, some of you may get this. Some of you may think I’m crazy. But one thing I think we SHOULD all agree on (if you have experienced it) is isolation makes you crazy. It ruins you. It beats you up. Being in isolation makes you feel unworthy, unhappy, disregarded, neglected, unloved, misunderstood, useless, and most of all disheartened.
We got home from the beach Wednesday afternoon.
Rohen ended up getting sick while we were were there. My husband went back to work Thursday night. Which means he slept on Thursday, and I was left alone with a sick baby. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. And last night, he went to bed early after working a full shift Saturday night. Do I blame him? No. He loves his job and I love him. But am I lonely? Yes. What does isolation do to you? Yep, makes you cray cray.
My entire life I have felt misunderstood when it comes to my depression and anxiety. I’ve been medicated for it since I was 18. When I got married, I stopped taking my meds because it ruined my sex drive.... sorry. But true. After I had Rohen I got back on them to battle my PPD but then I stopped taking them again. I am learning I NEED to be medicated. So, if you’re reading this and have a prejudice against medication — go 'head and sign off.
Lots of people say “I can’t believe YOU battle depression.” “What can you possibly be sad about?” “What do you mean you have anxiety?” Girlies, I’ve been to the lowest of lows in my life. I’ve looked off into the distance with that blank stare and thought to myself “What if this just all ended?” I’ve been there. It’s ugly. It’s the ugliest of ugly. But it’s real. In my RIGHT mind, I can't believe I'd ever have such thoughts. But when my mind is not healthy, when my my mind is at war with my soul, the thoughts are real.
I’ve always seen myself as unworthy of love. I question my husbands love for me everyday. There is absolutely NO reason I should. NONE. ZERO. NOT ONE REASON. But I do because depression and anxiety are liars. Really, really good liars.
Oh, here's more lies. You're a bad mom. Your kangaroo pouch and cellulite make you unattractive. My husband would be better off with someone else. You're not smart. People think your blog is stupid. Your parents think you are a failure. Your past makes you unworthy.
OMG THE LIES.
Will these lies forever haunt me? Right now, I don’t have answers because I am in the thick of it. And like I said, I don't even know why. That's the thing about anxiety and depression... It'll just sneak up on you like "WASSUP GIRL HERE I AM TO RUIN YOUR DAY!" Then you spend all your energy trying to figure out what triggered it and it takes hours and hours of replaying your day, week, month in your head just to realize it was something that someone said to you back in 2014 that made you question your identity but now you think you're a bad mom, a bad wife, and a bad friend. What. EVEN!
What I do know is Jesus says I am enough, in all circumstances. (Genesis 1:27; Psalm 8:5; 1 Peter 2:9).
Can we just get back to that?! Jesus says. You may not believe in Him but He sure believes in you.
Am I perfect? Nope.
I love to drink. I cuss. I watch trash TV that's really really trashy. My husband and I lived together before we were married (bow chicka wow wow). You name it, I’ve done it.
Will I ever have it all together all the time? Definitely not.
This morning I almost left the house with Nair on my face — so guess what... my mustache looks good today.
One thing I am realizing in the middle of this writing I am doing is, you know what, it doesn’t matter what my husband or my friends or my parents understand about me, really. Jesus gets it. He does.
Though I am a religious person, I know not all people are. And I respect that.
But one thing I want every one reading to know — you may not be religious, you may not pray to Jesus, and like I said, you may not believe in Him, but sister He believes in you and He says you are LOVED, WORTHY, and ENOUGH. (Psalm 86:15; Psalm 139:13-16)
There are days not even the truest word from God Himself can sustain the heartache I feel. There are days I feel like giving up. I can read and reread scripture over and over and still not believe it’s true about ME. There are even days when I feel like God really has forsaken me. How could I possibly feel that way? I do not have the answer. But I do know if you’re like me, and you think like me even the slightest bit, you’re not alone. And you and I both are believing all the LIES.
God is with you always, even on the toilet. At Wal-Mart. Even at that guys house you said you’d never go back too. And He is for SURE with you at Chick-Fil-A. CAN I GET AN AMEN? (Matthew 28:20).
Last night while I was watching The Greatest Showman for the third time guess who was there? Jesus. I cried to myself silently on the couch. Guess who was there? You guessed it. Jesus. Every time I got up to pee, because I drank almost a whole bottle of wine and that is a lot of liquid. Guess who came with me? Jesus. He’s everywhere. He is omnipresent. Always there.
If you find that weird, sorry bout it. I find that so comforting. Even in my most vulnerable state — pants around my ankles on the potty.... "Wassup, Lord? Let me tell you what’s been going on".
That is my problem.
Do you talk to God about your problems? Or do you complain about them to your friends, who have the same problems as you? Your friends do not have all the answers. But guess who do tho.... yep. Jesus. And lets just be real about friends for a second. Sometime those friends that you are complaining and venting too really do not care about your problems. Sometimes they might even find joy in your pain... IJS! Heart check girlies!
Your people — they will fail you. They will. They. Just. Will. But Jesus, He won’t. Ever. Not in a million trillion years. (Psalm 73:26).
Am I perfect as a human? No. Will I ever be? No. Am I ever going to be the perfect mom? No. Perfect wife? No. Will I ever have the capability to LOVE my husband and child the way they deserve? No. Will I ever be be the perfect employee or friend or daughter? No.
Do you see the pattern here?
Are all of these things true about me? Yes. But you know what else is true... GRACE. (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Jesus is the great giver of grace. I, however, am not. I am the rip you apart until you get it right type. I bark orders. I don’t submit to them. Just being real, here.
Maybe I should try to be less aggressive. Maybe I should try to be less dominant. Maybe I should try to be more forgiving. More graceful. More loving. More gentle. With. Myself.... with myself. with myself.
You are your own worst critic. You are your own worst aggressor. You are your own worst enemy.
If you allow yourself to critique and complain and cry and wallow and be hateful to yourself, SURELY you can allow yourself to give yourself GRACE AND PEACE AND JOY.
So what you got into a fight with your husband about your in-laws. You ate a whole pizza. Your kid went to bed late last night and is now a baby terrorist. You missed that deadline for work. You spent too much money. SO WHAT?
Love yourself. Everything else will come to you easier if you do. Absolutely everything.
Love yourself because you are WORTH loving. You are WORTH happiness. You are WORTH joy. You are WORTH all the things. ALL. OF. THE. THINGS.
So today, and "From Now On" (still on The Greatest Showman kick), be kind to yourself. Be kind to the people around you because we all fight internal battles. Be gentle with yourself and others. Love yourself and your people wholeheartedly. Let peace be. Let grace be. Let joy be.