When Life Gives You Lemons...
You don't have to make lemonade. You don't have to be happy about it. You don't have to accept it right away. You can grieve. You can be mad. You can be upset. You can cry. You DON'T have to make lemonade.
I found out I am pregnant with our second son back in September. My son, Rohen, is only 6 1/2 months old. Rohen is the sweetest, most gentle, happiest, most angelic baby you will ever meet. Of course, I am biased. But I speak truth.
We had a tough road in the beginning, Rohen was diagnosed with GERD, AKA he did not sleep and he cried.... a lot. My husband is a third shift officer which means for me that there were a lot, okay most every night, where I was up all night long alone with the baby. Both of us crying. Both of us tired. But after we got over that hump, Rohen started sleeping through the night and has been ever since! VICTORY! I am not ready to do it all over. To be honest, I don't think I was ever going to be ready to do it all over. Rohen was going to be an only child.
Moms and wives of police officers, I know you feel me on this. As the wife of a police officer, more so the wife of a second or third shift police officer, you inevitably feel like a single parent all. of. the. time. I do morning routines. I make bottles. I drop off at daycare. I work all day. I pick up at daycare. I come home and entertain the baby. Make dinner. Do bath time and bed time routine. Go to sleep. And wake up and do it all over again every single day. If there is doctor appointments, I take him. If there is a family function, it's just me and Ro. On my husbands off days he can help some with bath time, or changing a diaper, or entertaining for a little while. But most off days are spent resting or in court. I do not get a break. I don't get out much.
I had no idea how I would ever learn to do it ALL with one kid and right when I got comfortable and was like "heck yes, I can do this"... God dropped the bomb. Man, He's a funny guy! A positive pregnancy test was in my hand faster than you can say "vasectomy." I was pregnant.
This is as real as it gets. I was devastated. Heartbroken. Grieving. Hurt. Angry. I was so mad at God. So mad at my husband. So mad at my failed birth control. YES, failed birth control. I called my husband in a panic, cussing, screaming, crying all from the floor of the bathroom at work. "I can't do this again. I can't be a single mom of two." That's all I heard in my head. I am ashamed of how I felt but I can't change it.
But as time has passed, the more people I talked too about it, the more people that found out the more comfortable I began to feel. The more I let it stir and sit, the more excited I got. That's not to say I haven't had breakdowns over it. I've cried more in the last 10 weeks than I have cried in a long time. I have been more mad about this than I have been mad about anything, ever, I think. My husband has spent hours locked in the bedroom with me trying to calm me down and console me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. It has been a hard few weeks. I've cried at work. I've withdrawn from friends. I've refused to make lemonade.
I am not telling you this for sympathy.
I am not telling you this because I need attention.
I am telling you this because God's plan will ALWAYS overwrite yours. Always. And it's okay to not be happy about it. It's okay to be upset about it. It's okay to be mad about it. It is okay sis.
What I have had to remind myself of in this season is God's timing is always perfect. His plans are always good. And while some may say "God will never give you more than you can handle," I tend to disagree.
In my situation, I think God is using this in me to break down my pride. Oh, and to give me another precious baby boy. When God strips us of something, He replaces it with something greater. “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." John 15:1-2.
I never asked ANYONE for help with Rohen. I was too prideful and determined to do it on my own. Ask anyone close to me. I had people offer left and right to come over and hold Rohen while I showered or napped, or offered to come clean my house or bring dinner. I always said no. But now, the game has changed and I am honestly considering hiring a nanny a few days a week. Rohen taught me how to be a mom. This baby is already teaching me how to adapt and overcome.
I asked God to change my heart. He did. I am getting more and more excited about having another baby as each minute passes. I am even more excited that this baby is another boy! I can't wait to see how Rohen teaches the new baby. I can't wait to see them playing T-Ball together. I can't wait for them to grow up and be the best of friends. I can't wait to be mad at them for putting peanut butter all over each other and rolling around the kitchen floor.
I can't imagine sharing my heart with another baby. But friends have told me that you don't share your heart, your heart just grows. I truly believe that. Conception is a miracle. Pregnancy is a beautiful (vomit filled in my case) journey. Motherhood is a gift. It's dirty and hard but it is a true gift.
I have known that I wanted to be a mom my entire life. That was all I ever wanted to be. When I was a kid, I would play with my baby dolls and they were all my "babies." I would take care of them and put diapers on them and feed them as if they were real. Motherhood is just in my veins.
I've made the lemonade and boy is it sweet. It's taken a lot of bad batches to finally get to the good one, full of love, and sugar, redemption, and grace. But the lemonade is sweet, so sweet.
Please be praying for us during this time! I am considered high-risk (because Rohen was 5 weeks early) this time around and cannot work out or do anything that will strain my lower body. I worked out up until 2 weeks before Rohen was born and it helped keep me sane.