grace & truth & a little bit of sarcasm



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  • Alanah Medford

People love you. But, do you love you?

Every week I hop on here and try to leave you guys feeling challenged, renewed, and more in love with yourself. In reality, I am battling the very thing I tell all of you to do more of. "Love yourself more. Be kinder to yourself."

I saw a quote one day that said, "Be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can." I am the most critical of me. Forget what anyone else thinks about me. I couldn't possibly care less about that. But what I think of me, how I rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10, and the way I see myself when I look into a mirror, that's what matters to me. My opinion of me is really the only opinion I care about. I am a people pleaser and I cannot stand to think that someone is mad at me, doesn't trust me, or that I might of hurt someone's feelings. But when it really comes down to the wire, my opinion of myself is what FUELS all of those things, too. Am I really doing the best I can when I am so unhappy with myself? Chances are if I was loving myself and taking care of me, I wouldn't do or say things that could potentially hurt another person!

It's impossible to love people the way they deserve to be loved and give people the attention and compassion they need when you don't love yourself the way you deserve and aren't giving yourself compassion and attention that you need.

My husband and I are dealing with a bomb drop in our lives with absolutely no warning (this is going to make for some good writing in the future so prepare yourselves). I guess you could say this has fueled the current season of "I am unhappy with me so I am going to sulk and be mad and irritated at all the things all the time, get over it and deal with me" that I am in. When something happens that is out of my control, I tend to do 1 of 2 things. 1) I get extremely angry. 2) I get extremely overwhelmed.

Anger + Overwhelming Emotion = an impossible person (AKA yours freaking truly).

My husband (God bless him) always finds a way to bring me back down to earth (when he's the one that sent me to the moon in the first place, I know yall hear me on this, ladies). "Hey, we can't control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to what happens to us." Don't yall hate it when your man is right!? I DO. "You're right." I say through gritted teeth and runny mascara and snot shooting from my nose with every breath.

I feel like I am just reiterating every single post I have ever made here. But sometimes writing and rewriting and rewriting again the same thing over and over helps your brain register what you're feeling and remember better when you start to forget. Why do you think we had to write vocabulary words 238x each in elementary and middle school? I know that if I feel this way on a weekly basis, there are some of you also out there that feel this way on a weekly basis.

So what happens when things happen to you that you can't control? Me, being me, and the control freak that I am, I tend to get very overwhelmed and emotional. I think of every worst case scenario JUST to prepare myself for what could happen. I cry. And have bad days. And bad weeks. And I pick fights. And I let my emotions get the very best of me. I exhaust myself trying to do everything right and be perfect just so I might be able to control the future outcome of situations since "I wasn't good enough to control this one." I eat bad. I don't eat enough. I don't sleep good. All leading to this...

My perception of myself deteriorates and I am fighting with my internal demons just to see the light at the end of the tunnel that is. not. going. to. end.

But it will end. It will. And it will get better.

If you are a believer like me, you believe that God has orchestrated each and every single step that you are going to take today and for the rest of your life. He sees the state you are in today and knew the emotion you are feeling and the lack of hope you have was coming even before you thought the first negative thought. He saw the bomb drop and your reaction to the bomb drop, oh, because He is giving you this bomb drop. Don't ever get too comfortable, girlies! God will drop a bomb on you to move you out of your comfort zone and into Chernobyl with nothing to survive but prayer and MAYBE a bottle of water. We're riding on faith and hydration right now.

He will drop the bomb but He will also be the helicopter swooping in to rescue you from the rubble.

So today, I am preaching to myself more than I am preaching to you, I am going to love me. I am going to look in the mirror and give myself a pep talk because you know what, I am a good person. I am a good wife. I am a great mother. I have a hot husband whom I love and adore. I have the cutest baby in the entire world. I have a great job. And great friends. And A WHOLE LOT to look forward too. So what, my story isn't playing out like I planned. I have added stress and uncertainty and unanswered questions running through my head on repeat. But I am going to make the best of today and tomorrow and the next day and the next. I am going to trust that God knows what He is doing. I might question His plan, but His plans always turn out to be like a million times better than mine anyway, lets be real. I am going to stop trying to control everything. I am going to take life by the you know what and I am going to live this sucker to the freaking fullest. People love me because I am fun and funny and happy and real and the type that can cheer you up when you are down. People love me because I give it to you straight. I am not going to sugar coat my life and make it seem like it is sunshine and rainbows and like I don't drop the F bomb when I stub my toe.

So, I am going to be that person for ME today. I am going to love me. I'm teaching myself a lesson. I am taking my own advice.

As my husband likes to say, "Sometimes you don't need a plan. Sometimes you just need balls." So there's that.

Never thought I would be using that line as my life motto, yet here we are.

I know he is so proud right now reading this.

In love.

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